Proximity can help ease difficult domestic split

Opinion

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m too old at 47, to be in a complicated mess like this. My wife suggested an open-marriage deal when our sex life went dry nine years ago. Rather than breaking up, I went for the deal because of our four kids. I couldn’t stand to live away from them.

My wife and I had become better friends than lovers, anyway. The kids were the joys of our lives and we didn’t want to hurt them for anything. We just weren’t attracted to each other sexually anymore, so we ended up having our own bedrooms — and whatever private situations we could find online and keep private from each other.

But now, my wife suddenly has a guy she wants to see openly, which leaves me with no choice but to leave our home. I’m afraid the kids are going to be so messed up.

I don’t know what to do. Please suggest something.

We both have good careers, so money is not a big issue for us, but things are becoming more difficult.

— Domestic Difficulty, North Winnipeg

Dear Domestic Difficulty: Try to live as near to one another as you and your wife possibly can — but not next door. The ideal would be down the street or a few streets away. Living just a little out of sight means you won’t be watching your ex dating other people, and the kids will still have easy access to both of you.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a single woman and live alone, but I don’t make a point of living in a fortress — no locked fences and no fear. So I wasn’t surprised when I heard a loud knock on my door this week.

I looked out the peephole and it was a woman who said she was from the church nearby and wanted to know if I had a good relationship with our Lord.

I opened the door and said, “Apparently not, or you wouldn’t be knocking at my door.”

She persisted in chatting about the church and tried to give me pamphlets. That’s when I gestured at her to leave and said, in a too-loud voice that I wasn’t interested. Then she called me by my first and last name, and said, “You were never this mean to me in school.”

I suddenly recognized her squeaky voice. I felt bad, so I asked her in and we chatted for a bit over a coffee. I reminisced with her about some of the classes and teachers we had together. It was fun and we laughed a lot. I asked her if she had been to all the other houses on the street and she said she didn’t like going to random homes, but had seen me coming and going, and remembered me from our high school days.

I asked why she didn’t want to go to the other houses, and her response was that she felt it was too dangerous. I promised her my neighbours on this block know each other and are good people. I told her she just needs to have a little more faith in people and she just gave me a sad smile.

— So Cold, Fort Garry

Dear So Cold: You already know there’s a risk when interacting with strangers in the city, even if you’re an adult. People often get freaked out when strangers walk into their yard and frequently express it as outrage and anger.

The biggest reason for city people being less friendly these days is technology. Community hang-out spaces are drying up. With smartphones and social media, sometimes you don’t even have to leave the house to feel like you’re interacting more than enough with other humans.

While it might seem like a good thing that people can top up their social activity without leaving home, they end up interacting with the same old people and in many cases, less and less.

It’s not good for anyone to fear going out and mixing with other people. With weak social skills, fearful agoraphobic feelings can develop over time.

Humans need real contact with other people — hearing their voices, seeing their changing expressions, and touching, when appropriate. Some people are even afraid to shake hands, and part of that came out of the pandemic.

It’s time for all of us to be friendlier again.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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